Fighting with Satisfaction - the process of creating

 Martha Graham’s advice to fellow dancer & choreographer Agnes de Mille

Pine River Channel - on the easel. 

This truly hit me right in the gut this morning when I read it as a shared post on Facebook. This past week I've been in the 'question it all' mode. I was turned down to show works in yet another art gallery and spent about 3 days struggling with a very large canvas. 

The thing with the gallery hurt. 

The phrasing in the rejection email stung: 

" we'll keep this on file in case we decide to show this type of work". 

Ouch. I'm not sure what the actual intent meant but from this end it sure sounded dismissive.  I know its not productive to read intent into emails and other typed correspondences but it was hard not to since the comment was made about a large body of my personal work. Most times I have a thicker skin; I've been doing this for a while now. However the whole gallery acceptance thing has become , well- A Thing. A thing synonymous with legitimacy. Over the years I have come to equate being accepted into a gallery as a sign of  acceptance on a larger scale. Is this right? Wrong? I honestly don't know. I know my style and color pallet isn't typical for the area but the rejection still hurts...  

At the same time I had begun work on a Charlevoix scene on a large canvas- 2.5' x 3.5' without the frame. I fought with the sky, I fought with the trees- I fought and fought to get the right 'feel' from the paint for a soft summer afternoon. The water color needed to be 'just right', the clouds softer, the trees a lighter green... blah blah blah blah.

And then it hit me: I was painting this huge stretched canvas for the woman at the gallery who had rejected my work. 

So I quit fighting. 

I painted through squinted eyes to 'see' the softness, I used brush strokes that seemed right and gave the impression of movement but maybe don't follow a traditional approach. I mixed colors to get what I needed for the water as opposed to following a strict color-wheel interpretation. I highlighted in a lovely soft pink as an homage to my beloved Monet. I CRAFTED my image as I wanted to- not as I thought it SHOULD be done. 

Three days later it was completed. 

And was a I thrilled? Was I satisfied? 

Nope. 

Seriously- I have spent the last 12 hours nit-picking each section of this canvas to bits; the railing seems cockeyed, the sailboat in the fore ground is 'wrong' , should there be more flowers?, Is the softness of the sky fighting with the choppy waters of the channel?  I have staunchly refrained from picking up my brushes again. In my heart of hearts I know that the painting - as a whole- is a unique and vibrant creation. It is complete and to attempt to 'fix' it will take away what makes it my own. 

 I feel guilty for being so perennially dissatisfied with my work and then I read the account posted above and it made SO much sense! I don't know if I feel any better, per se, but I do feel more 'normal' in my dissatisfaction; that it is part of the creative process and the creative soul's way of being. 

I'm OK with that for today.