I'm not in my 'happy place' at the moment. There I said it. I often feel that I need to be happy, positive, up-lifting and cheerful and if I'm not then I need to fake until I'm feeling it. But at this moment I'm just not in a comfortable space. This is a time of transition-- a few important aspects of my world are coming to a close but have not done so yet. The process of ending- transitioning - I find to be very uncomfortable and at times down right painful. The waiting... I am not patient. No matter how painful the end will be the waiting for it is harder I think.
The not-so-world-shattering end that is coming is the end of the summer season and my work with the concession stands. Its been hard-going this year with an unseasonably cold and wet summer but the work has brought in some much needed income that I will be sorry to bid farewell to. At the same time, the energy and forward moving energy is just gone so continuing the job for the next 2 weeks is a bit like slogging through energetic muck. I have to remind myself that my winter work will fill in the space and some downtime of working from home will be good for me.
But I'll be alone.
Which brings me to the inevitable ending that will indeed be world-shattering for me. My beautiful, wonderful, funny, best friend of a dog - Megan- is coming to the end of her valiant journey. She is almost 14 years old with a laundry list of health problems from irresponsible backyard breeding that we have managed well with medications for the last few years. However, her mobility has become almost non existent and she is no longer is able- or interested - in doing things that she once enjoyed. While not in terrible pain her inability to walk well is causing her distress and anxiety. I am now at the point where I have to accept that by delaying the inevitable choice I am protecting me and not her. So I need to muddle through my last few weeks of out of the home work and then gather the family for 'the talk'. I hope for a miracle but know that the true miracle has been the companionship and love of this amazing soul for the past 14 years. I will miss her so very much and am so afraid of making 'the decision' too quickly. I so want to do what is best for her without selfish motivations and drives. I don't know if that's truly possible; she's been my constant companion and confidant for so long now...
A very good friend of mine once said 'The problem with a great pet is that it never ends well'. I never understood that until now...
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