And so its THE HOLIDAYS--yes, I know that was in caps. I did it that way because it seems to be the way we all refer to this part of the year--THE HOLIDAYS....
There was a time when I lived for this time of the year; the decorating, the baking, the planning and acquiring of that perfect gift for child or loved one. I planned Cookie Swaps with women friends and Caroling romps in the snow with neighbors. We built snowmen, igloos and snow forts with the kids and neighbors' kids. Solitary walks in the evening snow to look at the lights strung on the houses, shrubs, and trees made my heart sing...
As I write this the images come fast and thick--for a place and a time that is no more. A house I used to call home, a community I used to feel apart of, and young children who have turned into young adults. Many of the friends are scattered and at least 2 of the former neighbors have passed on.
THE HOLIDAYS are heavy now. And sad. I never ever thought that me-- the quintessential Martha Stewart type-- would ever feel this way,and yet, here I am. The thing is, I don't really want to feel this way; I don't enjoy it. I would love to be able to re-capture the joy, the warmth, the FUN of how it used to be.
Is it possible to have all of that-- the joy, the fun, the traditions-- be dependent upon a house? We left there almost 4 years ago now--4 years of trying to get back the magic. Is it possible that it was only the house and not us? Or was the leaving so hard that we left the best of us there? Do we haunt the place, I wonder? I still dream of being there--lately my dreams have been of decorating the 3 (THREE!! LOL) Trees we used to put up-- one in the kitchen, one in the dining room and the family tree in the living room. Do the current owners feel me there stringing tinsel and lights, decking the halls with bows from the pines and garlands of bittersweet from the back yard? Part of me hopes so...
But what to do with THE HOLIDAYS I have now? Is it acceptable to be more low key? To not care quite so much? Or should I force my square soul into the round peg of former Traditions? At what point do my Traditions no longer serve me and I begin to serve them?
Maybe its time to make new Traditions, I just don't seem to have the interest or the energy...
Of course, added to all of this heavy heavy HOLIDAY energy is the fact that we are currently in the darkest part of the year--literally. By 4:30pm it is full dark. If we had actual sunny days to begin with that may not be so bad, but we basically go from dim gloom in the morning to gloomy daylight with low clouds and darkness at 4:30pm. Its just not conducive to bright,uplifting thoughts and a 'go get em' mind set...
But I plug along and try hard to remain as positive as possible while searching desperately for a tiny shred of the tinsel and pine greens that the Old Me may have left behind; something to begin decorating my soul with....
I do hope to amuse you all with a more fun post next time--complete with small-town Midwest silliness and idiosyncrasies. But, the above is very much a part of living life in The North...
Here's to Happy Holidays to You and Yours
6 comments:
You need to do what fits you in the holidays, no matter how low key or over the top that is. Where did you live before? I've been here in MI all my life, the heavy dark sucks but it's just another season to get through.
Part of it is probably the house, some houses are more conducive to decorating, big old houses are the best! But part of the growing old thing, now that our kids are bigger, some of that special magic is gone.......but it's still there inside you, maybe it'll pop out when you do a random act of kindness for someone? One year long ago, I bought gifts for a little girl on an "Angel Tree" that the Salvation Army did. All she wanted was little mermaid stuff... I had SO MUCH fun buying her stuff and never even got to see her open it! It was the best!! I know what you mean though....we haven't even begun to decorate and usually we do it on Thanksgiving! But....I get to have a granddaughter here this year for Christmas so we are saving it for when she gets here on the 20th!!!! I hope you find something that lights the spark.......
Angie-- we lived in Charlevoix, still Michigan.
BSNRN-- thanks :-)
Annie, I feel your pain. For a long time after losing my parents and the house I grew up in, the holidays became (for me) an often painful reminder of a time and place to which I could no longer return. It is still a battle for me, at times, but it has gotten better. I am still searching for the holiday spirit within myself, and like a little seedling from a beloved, fallen tree, I am still coaxing it to grow. It will come back. It might not be exactly the same as it was, but it might be something else equally wonderful. We will just have to keep open hearts. I wish you every happiness. We'll make it through 'til spring, I promise (he said, convincing himself:)
E-- thank you my friend. You always know just the right things to say :-)
Here's to Spring!
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